


How do you bear the guilt

by Junliet



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Character Death, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, KillSkatersForGold, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-13 23:44:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21006146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Junliet/pseuds/Junliet
Summary: Even with everyone around them, Conrad felt almost entirely alone.Because how can you bear this guilt? How can you start to move forwards when you’re the one responsible for your best friend’s death?((Because Skate America is coming up and I'm trying the Kill Skaters so they medal thing again))





	How do you bear the guilt

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone. Sorry it's short and not a good fic at the moment, but idk someone special inspired me to write this. Thank you, and thanks for helping me start to get out of my block. Sorry about the angst, and please enjoy (?) this xx

When Conrad moved up to seniors, his parents bought him a silver VW Golf as a present for both passing his driver’s test and working hard on his programmes the season before. And, being a teenage guy with too much free time and two best friends, Conrad of course invited Jun and Joseph to go with him to Tim Hortons.

“Cause what better way to christen my new car than by taking her out for pancakes and Timbits with my best friends, right?” Conrad leaned on the bonnet. Joseph and Jun exchanged a look before they nodded, both smiling.

Conrad loaded up their skating bags into the boot of the car, grinning way too much and spinning his keys around his fingers. Brian and Tracy smiled from the club like an extra set of proud parents.

“Be safe boys!” Tracy said with a bright smile. “See you all tomorrow for training. And don’t stay out too late, and don’t eat too much Tim Hortons or you’ll be bouncing around everywhere. Just be sensible boys.”

“We will Tracy!” Joseph smiled brightly, climbing into the backseat behind Conrad’s driver seat. Jun took the passenger seat in the front and settled in the seat with a smile.

Conrad took his seat with a smile and leaned across giving Jun a light kiss on his cheek. “All strapped in?”

“Yes Conrad.” Both of them laughed and Conrad nodded, starting the engine. He reversed out of the Cricket Club car park and soon they were driving along down the road.

Jun turned on the radio while Conrad drove. Soon the windows were all down and the trio were laughing together.

“Remember Yuzuru’s face when he splatted on his last quad axel attempt?” Joseph cackled from the back.

“God, I swear the holes in the ice are from a combination of Jun spinning and Yuzuru throwing himself across the place with random jumps.” Conrad shook his head and rolled his eyes, throwing the other two halfway across the car when he took a turn way too fast. “Sorry!”

“No harm done,” Jun laughed before he shuddered lightly, “but oh my God. When Yuzuru lands that monster in competition it’ll be over for everyone. The only reason it’s even a competition when he’s around is because the judges make it a competition.”

“Says the one who beat his score first last season,” Joseph pointed out, and Jun blushed.

“It’s not a big deal! And it was only the Autumn Classic and he won the event anyway!”

“You. Beat. Yuzuru. Hanyu. In. The. Free. Skate.” Conrad pointed out, indicating to change lane and move out. “That’s a pretty big accomplishment. Especially at seventeen Jun. Neither of us could do it.”

“Or the quad flip,” Joseph added.

“Oh shut up! You can both do other things! You can drive Conrad!”

Conrad smiled a little and, because he was glancing over at Jun, he didn’t notice the speed limit change sign. “Joseph can do cool stuff too! He’s the best at Instagram and social media compared to us. We’re terrible compared to him.”

“True,” Jun laughed. “All I do for mine is like Yunho photos and occasionally post pictures of me at places.”

“And photos of your cute haircuts,” Conrad took his eyes off the road for a second to look over at Jun. Jun glanced over at him and smiled brightly back.

“Alright lovebirds. Stop flirting and focus on getting me to Tim Hortons. I want Timbits and I want them now!”

Conrad flipped Joseph off, and both he and Jun burst out laughing. Conrad turned the music up a little louder, took one hand off the wheel, and relaxed a bit more in his seat. The car carried on along the road, full of laughter, music, and joy.

In hindsight, Conrad should have slowed down a little. In hindsight, he should have checked that there was nothing coming his way even though it was his right of way. In hindsight, he should have at least swerved to try and avoid everything.

One moment there was laughter. The next, another car ran a red light and the entire right side of Conrad’s car was caved in and smashed.

* * *

Conrad’s eyes fluttered open, and a bone-deep throbbing that hurt like a bitch filled his body. The light in the room felt too bright, and he turned his head with a groan of pain.

“Conrad!” His mother’s concerned face came into view and she cupped his cheeks. “Oh Conrad, my baby, my sweetheart, are you alright? I mean, of course you’re not alright. My poor baby. My poor poor baby.”

She pulled him into a hug and Conrad supressed his groans of pain as she held him tightly. Tears fell from her face onto his cheeks, but his fuzzy head took a while to process everything.

“What happened?” He asked, voice rough.

“I don’t really know sweetheart. No one’s explained everything in detail to us yet, but we got called saying you were in a crash.”

Conrad’s heart lurched.

_The impact was so intense. Even from the other side, Conrad was thrown slightly, jerking against his seatbelt. Th airbag smacked into his face as a weight fell across his lap. Pain overwhelmed him before he passed out, vaguely aware of Joseph’s laboured breathing behind him._

“S-shit, I’m sorry! I—”

“They ran a red light,” his father said gently, pulling both him and his mum into a hug, “so it’s not your fault Conrad. Don’t blame yourself for it.”

“Jun and Joseph… Are they alright?”

“I don’t know,” his father spoke. “I haven’t heard anything. Oh, my poor brave boy.”

Conrad let himself be enveloped in his parents’ arms, trying to mentally block out all the pain that wasn’t being covered by the painkillers he assumed were being pumped into his system through the IV into his hand. His parents sat with him on the bed and spoke to him about everything he remembered. He remembered the impact, but then pretty much everything went to black. After that, it was all gone. He couldn’t think of anything after that. His parents brought him his childhood cuddly bear to hold onto, and the exhaustion of taking in everything after being out for a day left him in bed tired.

“Hey Mum?”

“Yes sweetheart?” She took hold of his hand, stroking the back of it.

“You’re not mad, are you?”

“Of course not. It’s not your fault that they crashed into you.”

Conrad nodded, letting his head fall back on the pillow in the end too. She moved the hair out of his face and placed a little kiss on his forehead. His dad then came back into his hospital room with a smile.

“Someone’s here to see you,” he chuckled lightly, holding the door open. Brian and Tracy both stepped in, and Conrad gave them a very weak smile.

“I thought I told you to be careful,” Tracy said softly, voice cracking a little with weakness as tears ran down her cheeks. “My goodness, I told you to be careful. I-I’m so glad you’re okay.” Her voice broke at that last bit and she wiped at her eyes quickly.

“Sorry for worrying you guys. I guess this means being off the ice for a bit, huh?” Conrad half joked.

“Don’t even think about stepping anywhere near the ice until you’re healed, young man,” Brian shook his head with a groan.

Conrad looked between them, frowning slightly. Something was off.

“Where are Jun and Joseph?”

Tracy tensed, choking back more sobs and Brian’s face went pale, smile dropping.

“They… Both had to be taken in for surgery.”

Conrad blinked at Brian in shock. “P-pardon?”

“Surgery. They needed surgery.”

“What’s… What’s going on with them? Do you think they’ll be alright?”

“From what it sounds like,” Brian swallowed, “Joseph may not be back on the ice for a while. And Jun… it… the chances of him pulling through aren’t looking good—”

“What are you talking about? Pulling through? Of course Jun is going to pull through!”

“Conrad, he—”

“It’s not the Cricket Club without him. Come on Brian. Jun’s going to survive. Right?”

* * *

“Cha Jun Hwan,” the translator said for the benefit of the non-Korean attendees, “was almost always smiling. Even when everything hurt from training and was in intense pain, he still found the strength to smile. He was loved, and will be remembered for lighting up many lights as well as rewriting some history.”

Standing in the rain in Toronto, Jun’s parents and his brother huddled under one umbrella, choked up and sobbing. All in black, they had white flowers pinned to their lapels. Near to them, Yuna Kim, Eunsoo Lim, and several other South Korean skaters Jun had befriended and looked up to over the years stood together underneath their own umbrellas, offering their own words of comfort to the family and mourning the loss of their friend. Further along, braving the rain in their ill-fitting black suits, were Yuzuru and Javier. Standing together, the pair comforted each other on the loss of their pseudo baby brother. Evgenia and Jason huddled together under an umbrella, one in a suit and the other in a black dress, and they were both sobbing into each other’s arms.

Then were people Jun knew less well but who still cared enough to come. Vincent, who had always been a little bit of a rival to him. Dmitri Aliev, who had taken a liking to the sweet young South Korean skater who he’d shared a podium with. Nathan Chen who’d always enjoyed chatting to the slim, smiley, South Korean noodle. Kaetlyn Osmond, Tessa Virtue, and Scott Moir were there too, as were other friends Jun had made in junior and senior competitions.

And then there were his coaches. Brian, Tracy, and Ghislain especially were as tearful as his family. His former coach, Hae-sook Shin, also stood with them, still caring for her student even after he’d grown far beyond where she could ever hope to take him. His choreographers comforted each other and his coaches.

And, of course, a little off to the side stood Conrad and Joseph. The latter leaned on his crutches as the former held the umbrella over them, eyes downcast and heart painful. The other people around had given them space to take everything in.

“I can’t believe my last words to him were telling you two to be quiet cause I wanted Timbits,” Joseph mumbled, stabbing idly at the grass with one of his crutches. “I… That… I… I want to take that back.”

“Mine were about his hair,” Conrad mumbled, “I didn’t tell him I loved him or anything. Just told him his hair was cute. I wish I could hug him one more time. Kiss him one more time. Tell him I love him.”

Joseph patted his shoulder. “He knows you love him—”

“Why didn’t I say it more, Joseph? Why did I go a little too fast, drive a little too recklessly, and not pay enough attention?”

“They ran the red light Conr—”

“So?” Conrad wiped at his eyes. “It’s my fault too, Joseph. I could have prevented this. I could have prevented all of this. He’d still be here if I wasn’t so… If I didn’t try and show off or be reckless or be immature and stupid.”

“Conrad, it’s not your fault.”

“Yes, it is, Joseph. Please, don’t say it isn’t. Please. I’d rather you told me that this was all my fault. Tell me the truth. Don’t feed me lies. Don’t feed me stupid lies about this sort of thing anymore.”

“Conrad—”

“It’s. My. Fault.”

Conrad choked on his words, choked on his sobs, choked. The world fell on his shoulders as they stood in the rain, the space next to him where his best friend would have been empty. Even with everyone around them, Conrad felt almost entirely alone.

Because how can you bear this guilt? How can you start to move forwards when you’re the one responsible for your best friend’s death?


End file.
